Asking for help is hard
| We got caught in the snow Asking for help is a skill. A skill that I am still learning because there are so many different ways and moments when we need to ask for help. In some areas, I’m great at this. I can ask a friend for help with hanging pictures in my apartment. I can ask for help from my parents when I’m sick. I can ask for help with web support or technical apps for my business. I am not so good at asking for help in other moments. Specifically, when I feel it is something I should know or be able to do on my own. How I draw this line in my head, I am still working to figure out. It is this kind of help that I needed recently. Here’s what happened… I was upstate visiting a friend this week. She lives in a rural area, a very different environment from Brooklyn. I love the quiet and peacefulness of her home. While I was there, it snowed. It was so beautiful. In the morning, we got up, cleaned off my car, and headed into town for breakfast. The roads were plowed, the drive was easy! On the way back, we took the scenic route to see how the snow had covered the houses, the trees, the mountains. As we drove past a horse farm, my friend said, “Do you want to meet one of my friends? If so, turn left up ahead.” Of course I did. I turned and realized I was going down a driveway on a rather steep hill. She said, “If you don’t want to drive down the hill, I understand. But you are fine.” I kept going. We get to the bottom of the hill. The woman she saw turned out not to be her friend. No problem, we turned around and started to drive back up the hill. The car would not go up the hill. The snow was too icy and the wheels just spun. Knowing my friend has more experience driving in the snow than me, I stopped. Put the car in park and asked if she would drive us up the driveway. Asking my friend for help felt easy. She quickly hopped out of the car and into the drivers seat, happy to help me out. As she hit the gas, the car did not move. She tried again, nothing. She got out and said she was going to push as I tried to drive. Hesitantly I said ok. I was worried I would hit her. I was worried it wouldn’t work. I was not sure how this would go. We tried. It didn’t work. She looked at me and said, “Well, we are going to need help.” She then turned and walked down the driveway to some people who were at the horse farm. She came back with a man who said he could help. |
| She made asking for help look easy! I was in awe as she walked away and came back with a stranger. I was thinking we would need to call a tow company and have them come drag my car up the hill. The stranger and my friend talked and pondered. They tried a few different things. Eventually, getting the car halfway up the driveway. This felt like a huge accomplishment! At this point, the driveway grew steeper, and the car wouldn’t make it up the rest of the way. The stranger pointed out another exit with a gentler incline. He suggested we head out that way. We thanked him. As I wondered if we should thank him with more than just our words, my friend got into the backseat and grabbed the box of chocolate we had just bought. Offering it as a token of our gratitude. He wouldn’t take it, as he already had so many sweets over the holidays. Climbing back in the car, I took a deep breath, crossed my fingers, and hit the gas. Hoping that the tires kept going out at the other exit. It did!!!! Back on the road my friend and I both took a deep breath. The adventure was over, and we were back on the paved road. Before I could tell my friend how impressed I was with her asking for help and working with the stranger to get us out, she started to talk. She was saying how hard that was, how difficult it was to ask for help, and how sorry she was that she caused the situation. I let her know that it wasn’t her fault; she had no way of knowing what would happen. I also let her know that she seemed to have such grace in asking for help, and that I aspired to do that one day also. |
| Golden Nuggets: 1. Asking for help is a skill. It would have been easy for me to ask a mechanic for help in this situation. When there is a clear exchange and roles, it can make it easier to ask for help (at least for me). It is these other moments, when I feel like I’m imposing on someone, that are harder. Yet, it was the right move! Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it…you can do hard things! 2. People are happy to help. The stranger who helped us was happy to help. He was kind and open, and he shared his wisdom, which made a big difference. When I’m asked for help, it feels really good. In order to be of help, others need to ask for help. So keep in mind that the story that you are bothering someone when you ask for help, may not be just a story. 3. Watching others doesn’t mean it’s easy for them. When we watch other people do things, we create meaning out of it. As I watched my friend ask a stranger for help, I decided it was easy for her. It would have been really easy for me to get down on myself because it was easy for her and hard for me. We, or maybe just me, sometimes think that everyone else finds things easy, and I’m the only one struggling. That’s not true. Turns out that is not true. It was hard for her, and she did it anyway. I was thankful to have this conversation with her and learn how it felt for her. We don’t know what others are going through, so compliment them and let them know you’re impressed. |
| One step at a time A few minutes after we were back on the road, we were laughing about the adventure. Sharing that we were both a bit worried it would end up very differently. We knew this would be a story we remembered for a very long time! There will always be bumps in the road, literal and figurative ones. Asking for help can completely change the outcome. If we hadn’t asked for help, it would have been a much longer, more expensive experience. Taking the risk, asking for help, and possibly being turned down made the moment so much easier. What is the one step that you can take from this story, since hopefully you are not currently stuck at the bottom of a snowy hill? Look in your life and see where it’s hard for you to ask for help. At home, could you use more help with chores? Could you benefit from asking for more time for self-care? Would work feel different if you asked for help with some obligations? Is asking strangers for help also your area of growth? Maybe start small. Asking for help from a stranger for something that doesn’t matter much…like passing the sugar at the coffee shop. Ask your kids to pick up one item while you are cleaning the living room together. Ask for 5 minutes to sit and breathe. Ask a colleague to edit a short document. It will help you build the muscle of asking. It is possible that not every time you will get a yes. That’s ok. The growth is you asking for help, not knowing the answer is why it can feel hard. Happy New Year – may it be a year of growth, support, and lots of adventures!!! |
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