Communication Lessons from a Scary Situation

Reacting vs Responding

She was ok…

One night this week, a friend left me a voicemail. I LOVE a voicenote because you can hear emotion and intonation that gives more information than a text message.

She said she was ok. She said she just needed to tell someone what just happened. She said she didn’t want anyone to worry or have a big reaction. She said she just needed someone to listen.
So I did. I listened to her message.

She had parked her car in her parking garage that night and sat texting on her phone before heading home. As she sat there, someone walked by and tried to open her car door. Her doors were locked. He walked away.

It startled her, and she started to pay attention. Taking a breath, watched as another car came into the garage to park and decided to walk out of the garage at the same time as that person, protection in numbers.

As she left the garage, she saw the person who had touched her car walking in the opposite direction of her home. Heading home, she kept her eyes open. Now she was safe and sound.

She said it was just weird and disturbing, but she was ok.

I took a deep breath. I knew I needed to respond, and I wanted to be thoughtful about it. I considered what she shared at the beginning about the kind of support that would feel best in this moment.

Opening my phone, I resisted the urge to call and make sure she was actually home and safe. This friend is not a big phone person, and it would not have felt good to her. Instead, I opened my voice note app and sent her this message:
“I am grateful you are home safe.
I am grateful you shared your story with me.
I am grateful the car doors were locked.
I am grateful another car came into the garage so soon after all of this.
I am grateful you walked out with another human.
I am grateful the person who touched your car was walking in the opposite direction.
I am grateful you were clear enough to be thoughtful on your walk home.
Maybe that person was drunk, maybe they thought it was their car, or maybe something else benign. We don’t know why all this happened, and I am so grateful you are ok. Let me know if you need anything else. I love you.”

I hit send and hoped she felt the love I was sending her.

The next morning, she left me a message saying she could not have asked for a more perfect response. It was exactly what she needed, and she appreciated it so much. She felt good going back into the garage to get her car and start her day because of the framing I offered. Maybe it was just a weird mix up and nothing more.

The power of communication

There were a few things that happened in that brief exchange that I want to highlight because they have been concepts I have been talking about a lot in my individual sessions with parents. They are strategies that we can use with our kids, colleagues, friends, and even strangers.

To me, there are 3 big elements of this exchange.

Asking for help. My friend reached out and asked for help. She didn’t need me to do anything, like be on the phone with her as she walked home. She was safe and calm when she called. Yet telling her story was important, and I am so glad that she reached out for that help. In big or small situations, I’m here to help the people in my life, and they are here to help me when I need it. May you have some of these relationships in your life also!

Reacting vs responding. Both my friend and I did a great job of responding rather than reacting to this situation. Reacting is when we let our emotions drive our actions. We both heard the fear in the story and could feel it, but we did not let it determine the actions we took. Responding is about allowing logic and clarity to drive our actions. My friend thought about the best way to stay safe after this unusual situation. I thought about how to help ease any kerfuffly feelings she was having, rather than add my own fear to the situation.

I am not always great at responding; sometimes my emotions drive my actions. Yet, I practice feeling my feelings, taking a breath, and then taking action. It helps me build the response muscle! It really paid off in this interaction!

Defining the purpose of the conversation. Getting clear on the purpose of the communication can change everything. My friend told me she just wanted someone to listen. So I did that and sent back love. If she hadn’t been clear, I could have asked her what would have felt most supportive for her because there are many different responses I could have given.

Turns out, my message of love and gratitude provided even more clarity for her. She now knows that in the future she can ask someone to reframe a situation to highlight its possible good or neutrality. Seeing a different meaning in actions can change how we feel about them.

Golden Nuggets:

1. Gratitude is always a good option. When in doubt, reflect the good in a situation with compassion. We get to decide how we see a situation, the story we tell about it. When someone you care about is having a hard time, please don’t add to the negativity by piling on. Help lift them up. This can be hard at times to see the silver lining in a difficult situation. You can always offer it as a question like, “What good can we find here?” or “Maybe there is a different way we can look at this story?” You can also share a gratitude that they are with you in that moment, “Well, at least we get to be together right now,” or “I am grateful you shared this with me, even if I don’t know how else to help.”

2. Name what you need in a conversation. There are lots of different functions of conversations. Sometimes we want someone to just listen. Sometimes we want someone to share their perspective on a situation. Sometimes we want someone to problem-solve with us. Sometimes we want someone to solve our problem for us. Ask for what you need at the beginning of the conversation because the other person talking with you can’t read your mind and know what you need.

3. Ask what someone needs. If you find yourself listening to someone and you are unsure of what kind of response would be helpful, ask. I do this all the time. I might say, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want some of my thoughts?” With good friends, I might say, “I have opinions if you want them, if not, I will keep them in my head.” This way, I can support the people in my life in a way that feels good to them.

One step at a time…

Communication is complicated, messy, and full of humanness. Sometimes we end up saying the wrong thing and making someone feel worse, or someone else says the wrong thing, and we feel worse for it.

When we practice asking for what we need, pausing to think about what would feel supportive, and naming it, it makes miscommunications less likely. Lean into golden nuggets 2 and 3 if you are finding lots of miscommunication moments unfolding in your world.

There are so many different ways we can take any situation or story. We can make a fearful negative story and hold it as true. We can make a neutral coincidental story and hold it as true. We can also make a positive, kind story and hold it as true.

With many of the big, hard events unfolding in the world today, it can feel really hard to believe anything other than the fearful, negative story. So, practice finding the positive and kind story in smaller moments. Practice believing in the good in people even in moments of strangeness. Building that muscle, one small interaction at a time, will slowly change your view of the world.

No, it can not stop the heartbreaking events that are happening. It will help you realize that most people are good, kind, and supportive. It will help you continue to be one of the people in the world who are good, and kind, and supportive. It will give you the strength and energy to keep taking the good, kind, and supportive actions that help others.

The small step for this week is to build gratitude and goodness in the small moments of conversation with people you care about. This creates a ripple that is very needed today.

The small step for this week is to reframe one situation in a positive light and share it with someone else.

The small step is to ask someone how you can best support them when they are sharing a problem.

The small step is to reflect gratitude and love in a moment when someone else is scared.

The small step is to remember you are not alone, and I am here with you, finding the silver linings every day!